Article by Craig Forgrave
One Word Movie Review: Unbelievable
The Expendables is a tongue-in-gun Kaboom-apalooza of a movie. Sly Stallone has assembled a boomer throw-back to pre-CGI super hero action flicks when men were men and women were motivational objects to manufacture heroes who normally wouldn’t get off the couch. In The Expendables, the woman is Sandra Garza, daughter of General Garza and someone willing to die for what she believes in. Contrast that with The Expendables who are a group of mercenary vets who are willing to die for money until…yes, you guessed it…Sandra shames them into risking all for her dream of liberating her island home from the clutches of a rogue CIA drug lord.
The story, the characters and the plot are all vintage 80′s action movie fodder for the subtle leadership (just kidding) of Stallone as writer, star and director. He obviously wanted to make the point that action heroes are not actors first and blue screen gymnasts second. No, action heroes are ex-wrestlers, martial arts masters, boxers and the like. No doubt Stallone grits his manly teeth thinking of Robert Downey Jr. as action Iron Man, pulverizing the bad guys in a CGI armored suit. The Expendables proves his point. It is real, engaging and comic and contains one of the best climactic battles of the last few years in any film.
The biggest surprise of all was the performances of all the aging actors, as they willingly portray war-weary veterans with little to live for except each other and a meaningful death. In a way, it is an updated Spartan code of warrior honor, made famous in the bloody movie 300. In this updated few against the many, the Spartans have explosives, exploding shotgun shells and the coolest knives outside of Iron Chef America. They also survive to fight another day, driving off on their motorcycles to the power chords of Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town” as the end credits roll.
The Story
The story opens with out-of-focus stars which reveal the headlights of choppers driving towards us on a wet dark street. They drive into a biker club called the Expendables. Cut to a big full moon, a cargo ship off Somalia invaded by pirates with hostages. They are taken down by a nasty group of hired mercenaries who are revealed to be our aging stars, well-equipped and a bit crazy. In fact, one gun (named Gunner, played by Dolph Lundgren) turns a little wacko and attempts to hang a pirate, much to the disgust of Stallone. Sly’s the leader of the team, and is named Barney because he’s cool enough not to need a cool nickname. Barney only kills a certain way, with a certain honor code which we don’t know about yet but turns out to be killing only according to the plan or if you’re in danger yourself or you’re threatening someone’s girlfriend or if you’re on the wrong team or if you’re standing next to a gasoline tank about to explode or – but why go on. You get the idea.
Barney dumps Gunner from the team because he can’t trust the big guy anymore. But they don’t kill him because they’ve all been in too many battles and old Gunner has just “been in the biz too long”. We then meet Mickey Rourke playing Tool, an ex-soldier who’s now the Expendables’ booking agent and tattoo artist. Tool is the most interesting character in the movie, and Rourke makes the most of his screen time, adding gravity to a raft of sentimental homilies about a soldier’s soul, the meaning of life and death and the role women play in an action hero’s twisted morality.
The “inside” scene between Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing aging mercs debating whether to take a suicide job for money, with double meanings to every line in the scene, Stallone takes on the job of killing a drug lord and his rogue CIA handler. The rogue CIA agent is perennial bad guy Eric Roberts as James Munroe (kind of a presidential-sounding name) with big ambitions and the ethics of a Wall Street CEO.
Caught in the middle is the girl, Sandra. She tours Stallone and buddy Jason Statham around town, just so they can figure out the job is hopeless, kill 41 soldiers, strafe and blow up the town dock and fly away, leaving the poor girl alone and an attractive target for someone evil to capture and torture. Sure enough, she gets captured and tortured, enough to twist Stallone’s conscience and make him go back for her, to his certain death. Of course, if it’s certain death then the rest of the team is in! That includes Christmas (Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Ceasar (Terry Crews). Ho, ho, ho! Now you see why Sly kept the name Barney for himself, just to keep the team “real”.
So, off we go in a blast-fest of violence and blood along with a few side contests. Is a blade faster than a bullet? Is a shotgun so noisy it drives fear into the enemy? Does a small action star have to work harder than a big guy? The answers? You have to go see the movie. Or make a good guess, or even an average guess. Besides, this is not a movie for thinkers to enjoy. This is visceral action and my standard measure of a great action scene is if there is so much going on I have to stop writing notes and just watch the damn film. The Expendables made me stop writing for the last fifteen minutes, which is Unbelievable and thus, deserving of the one word rating for this movie.
The ending involves Stratham reciting poetry, some Creedence “Born on the Bayou”, a surprise recovery by one character and the same motorcycles driving down the street, this time away from the camera. Cue Thin Lizzy.
And now, as a special feature:
The Top Five Pearls of Wisdom (POW) spouting from the puffy lips of tattoo artist Tool (Mickey Rourke)
POW 1: I could have saved what was left of my soul if I saved one life after taking so many, but I didn’t.
POW 2: I don’t believe in shit.
POW 3: Everything is God-damn Dracula-black
POW 4: If she didn’t leave, she stands for something and we don’t.
POW 5: I want to die for a woman, or next to a woman.
Just remember, this cynical guy is the man finding jobs for the team. It’s a tough way to make a living but a great set-up for a sequel. Maybe Stallone has one great franchise left in him? We’ll see.
About the Author
Craig Forgrave is an author, screenwriter and manager. His new mystery, Frozen Stiff is a finalist in the Great American Author competition and you can vote for his book at http://offthebookshelf.com/great_american_author. He has written several screenplays and is a member of the Writers Guild of Canada. He is also an investment and project manager, and supports several web sites on lateral thinking, investing and movies.
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